Change in direction

I've decided to use this blog as a platform to talk about everything I feel, except Personal Finance - as I already have a blog dedicated to this function. Many times I've tried to do that on this blog, but it seems like every time I tried to put my fingers to the keyboard, what I type comes out poetic, thoughtful and less like a conversation. So what ends up happening is, I feel this immense amount of pressure when it comes to this blog - because the stuff I wrote before is freaking good! Like its some deep, feeling, emotional, type stuff. So I always feel like I'm competing with myself to make this blog entry better than the rest.

Which results in my being afraid of this blog.

Yep, I said it...I'm scared of my Collection of Moments blog - and I embrace my Personal Finance blog b/c there's no pressure there to say clever metaphors, sassy comebacks and convey deep emotion.

So the end result - I'm going to still allow this blog to be a collection of "moments" - who said each moment has to be filled with love? or well written? or deep?

No one!

So today - I'm still sorta struggling with the fact that I have to keep my nails done - my mom's MAKING me. Ever since I got my engagement ring....this has been a continuous personal committment. I want to stop it, but its like drugs, you cannot break the habit! Acrylic makes your nails brittle, so its like you HAVE to keep the nails and they do look SOO much better, especially when you're CONSTANTLY showing your hands off. But I hate the maintenence, monetary and time committment and I hate when it get old!! Cleaning up, more opportunity to BREAK them and it HURTS when it gets hit the wrong way! GRRR...so I'm at a crossroads - what to do? what to do?

In other news - I work at Freddie Mac....I think that's about all I need to say about that.

I've come to figure out that I LOVE hosting events - ONLY if they are well executed by me. LOL. I hate it when I'm not in control and I need for all things to be according to schedule. Making people wait and not being on time - makes me not-so-happy.

Wedding planning - I hate these retarded wedding vendors who take FOREVER to get back to you....errrr what? I mean seriously - I asked you ONE question, just write back...and then let me decide whether or not I want to sign your contract, thanks.

Oh yeah, word to the wise - when you're engaged to someone, you enter into this new "wedding planning" land with them - and let's just say, the pressure to put on this "event" (yes, I'm aware that I chose that word) makes you and the love of your life act a bit out of character...just a bit. Needless to say, your love has to be strong and your patience loooooong (on both sides). Let me just say for the record - the qualities that I LOVE about my fiance - are so annoying during the planning process (yep, again, I SAID IT!!!)!!! I LOVE that my baby is a strong educated male. One with great opinions and ideas that are sometimes the opposite of mines. I love that he doesn't back down from a challenge and I'm always proud to call him a MAN, MY MAN :)

This (what I just described)...not soo cute when you're questioning why I don't wanna wear a veil!! Because I DON'T WANNA!!! lol....

he's going to kill me when he sees this (sad face)

I love you pook-tastic ;)

I also love that he's secure enough to not even flinch when I call him the craziest pet names, in public and his boys laugh at him...and he still answers me like he didn't hear them (kisses on the cheek)!

Love - in general - aside from the wedding planning - GOSH - I've learned so much for you! I've seen you in different forms, manifesting in friends, coworkers and associates...

and I'm going to be honest - I hate how the quest for you dominates people so much and turns them into a shell of the person they once were. I love how you make me feel every time I fall to sleep in my finace's arms. I love the person I've turned into because of you. I hate the lack of you in the world. I love the passionate version of you. I love the calm, every day - "I could sit and play on the computer, while he watches the football game" version of you. I love when I see you and you're real :) I LOATHE imitators of you. I love the GOD in you....Love - I LOVE you!

Ignorance...I feel sorry for people who operate in it. Stupidity - definitely detest you...

I want a raise....now. I guess it's true, the more you make the more you want to make? Or something like that.....

I've been thinking about baby names for my children lately - I swear I can see those little jokers running around our future house....it makes me excited. I'm SO ready to be a wife. Like really ready - I want to embrace this next phase of my life, head on. I love cooking for my fiance. I hate cleaning - but I love the feeling get when my apartment is clean and he comes over and says my new comforter I picked out is pretty. I love my Sam's Club membership - I like shopping in bulk. I went to the grocery store the other day and scoffed at the prices - out loud. I love making decisions with someone who's opinion I value, I respect and think the world of (I'm the girl in the picture above, discussing major life decisions with my eternal partner *smile*) Making someone else happy is a great challenge that I embrace, I try to find the cutest e-cards, coupon books and other random tokens of affection so I can "outdo" him in the race of love. I like hanging out with other couples (read: cool couples) - and I looooooooove going to church with my fiance and holding his hand during the sermon. I'm excited for pre martial counseling and in 2-3 years...I cannot wait to have his children. I'm a sap - whatever, talk about me. I used to be one of the naysayers and I'm an in-love loser - and i LOVE it. HECK, I even like PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! I'm sure some people who used to know me in high school and college are like, WHAT?!?! WHO!??! Yep - it's me...

That's today's collection of moments - I'll be back tomorrow :)

Thank You...

This collection of moments includes the ups and downs of love up to this point in my life.

but Saturday

Saturday, August 23, 2008 changed everything...

When I tell you that love has completely surprised me, know that I'm telling the truth

Everything that I ever believed about love...

BLACK love

changed the day HE entered my life.

I used to think that you had to work really hard for love

that a man could never do something, just because....

well, maybe he could, but those days were few and far between.

I used to think that women's ideas and goals

were so far from what a man wanted.

And now I know differently.

Now...I know that if you dream of someone who will appreciate and value you for who you really are,

God will send him to you.

It doesn't matter how many Ishmael's come - Issac is on his way.

I'm not acting like it did it all perfect.

God knows that I've made mistakes and spent too much time dwelling over ones that he didn't have for me

but I think God for his GRACE and MERCY.

He allowed me to realize that I'm much too important of a person to settle for less than His best.

He showed me that I needed to focus on me.

Get my life in order.

Clean up my house.

BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF.

Learn to love every piece of me.

He showed me that I'm not perfect and told me things I needed to work on.

He let me run away, only to realize that it all came BACK to HIM.

So, I thank God for showing me some things that I wasn't able to see for myself.

And now He tells me to WRITE it.

To show other women

BLACK women

that if we LOVE ourselves and honor CHRIST - first and foremost

He can and he will give you what your heart desires.

So I've changed it all.

My opinions on love

and how it works...

There is a man who will treat you like a queen

and be on the SAME PAGE you are.

Even when I thought it was CRAZY that I KNEW he was my husband on our first date.

I fell in love with him that night at the movie theatre.

God intertwined our thoughts and our hearts both beat the same rhythm.

Some people said our romance was fast and we needed to slow it down...some people even laughed when I said, I found him.

I thought our pace would dissipate because of the naysayers and then you SILENCED them...

with a ring

and three simple words, Will you marry me?

I say three, even though I know it's four because I SCREAMED, YES YES YES YES YES YES YES !

before you could get that last word out.

God has blessed me tremendously.

Never did I understand his truly undying love for me

until he sent me

HIM.

THREE AM

It's three am and I can't go to sleep.

I think its' because my mind is full, my heart is happy, my mouth is eager to speak.

But my sister is out with my other roommate and my boyfriend is sleeping.

My other roommate is out of town and my college roommate is in Virginia Beach with her boyfriend.

My SPBFF is probably sound asleep because...it is 3 am.

So I turn to one of my very best friends. My thoughts.

I realized today that I am happy with my thoughts, even though they scare me at times.

And the only reason they scare me is because they're tinged with reality.

A reality full of favor, blessings, slight insecurities, overall exuberance, clarity and partly cloudy skies...

My last post, I exclaimed, I AM ME!

and I am :) so happily me...

What a great feeling to have....even with it's 3 am in the morning.

I think AM means, in the morning - but somethings you have to write out twice...for emphasis.

I'm happy that I am not at odds with myself. I think that true acceptance of each flaw, each quirk is the true essence of happiness....

Realizing that you may not have all of the answers, just a lot of gut feelings...

and blind faith - its enough :)

I think that's all for now....

There's so much more I could say - but some things, you have to let tickle the corners of your heart and mind only.

I'll relish that part of me

and let no one see :)

GOOD MORNING!

I am me....

I am comfortable.
Being Me.
I am completely at ease with who I am.
I think that is a profound statement
Considering many people are struggling to figure out who they are.
I say, I am a lover.
A companion to a great man, who loves me for who I am
Embraces the things that make me different
Love the curves, the lumps and bumps, my body
Tells me each day that when I open my mouth to speak
He falls deeper in love with me.
I say, I am a friend.
Not the best friend...but I try to do what I know is right.
Sometimes I get it wrong. At times, I know I've said hurtful things...
Mostly out of love, but perception, is, in fact, reality.
But I see the best in my friends. I want them to be their best.
I have their best interest in heart. So I learn...
I learn to shut up and to realize sometimes the best thing you can do it listen
and hope they make the best out of their lives.
And if or when they ever need you...make yourself available.
Loyalty, Honestly and Dependability - I am a friend.
I say, I am a sister.
Maybe I try too hard to make sure you don't fall in the same traps I did...
Can you blame me? I just want to make sure you're better than I am.
I am the best sister in the world...I'm not bragging, it's true.

This must be how a mother feels...except without the child birth.
I am most proud of you and who you've become.
I am to you, what I wish an older person was to me - and I'm good at it.
Aren't you glad...
I say, I am larger than life.
Its taken a long time to TRULY embrace myself. My words, my actions, my body, my hair.
Everything that makes me grand, big, loud, large...and I like it.
Fabulously, effortlessly, wonderfully bigger than you can ever imagine.
Healthy, Actively me.

I may not be under 5'3 or weigh what society tells me...
but I am beautiful
I say, I am pretty....beauty is not defined by what Eurocentrics think or tell me.
What shown on videos, magazines or TVs.

Beauty is twisting my hair,
two strand twists,

so when I make up in the morning my Afro is FIERCE!

Sun kissed golden brown skin, bright smile, pink lips,

large eyes, large thighs, medium bust, big hips...

I am sweeeeeet.

Foreign Land....

your words have moved me to an unfamiliar space
somehow a reassured confident woman is now nervous....
I'm not sure how to occupy this brand new place

scared, butterflies, fear of the unknown
isn't that how you put it the other day?

20 something year old black man - why is it hard being grown?

never knew that the thought of the big day
would make you feel the opposite of me
invoking fear of flight - that's what you say

i placed you on a pedestal, that no other man has been
confident that my prince charming never knew the meaning of cold feet
but one moment of honesty, much to my chagrin

i see you strong, tall, large, grand
commanding, deep voice, intense gaze
big hands

nervous of what, making a happily ever after come true?
scared of obeying God's command?

i didn't know whether i should cry or write
should I be happy your honest, should I run for cover
take flight?

i write the happy things, the love things,
never been inspired much by tears
guess there's a first time for everything
even if hasn't happened in years...

you're just man
i put my confidence in Christ

just give me a chance to heal
just as you prayed for us last night

you held my hand, kissed my fingers
asked God to reveal to me you're only human.
you're just scared about changing my life forever
Making sure we are a success, not ending in ruin...

but a part of me you changed last night
i just need a bit of time
to adjust to seeing you in a different light

a man
pure and simple
capable of making a mistake

a man
young and single
nervous about the future
confident in his love for me

a
man

the
man
God
sent
me...

baby do those things...

today i you told me everything i wanted to hear
granted it wasn't under the most normal circumstances
but that's neither there...nor here.
you said things that i dreamed of hearing you say
not the things you just repeat
when i say it first, that day
i know you mean it even though it lacks that sounds i want to hear
that urgent yearning, wanting, needing
that sounds like the cheesy best selling romance of the year
its just that you give to me in doses
like each nugget of your affection
is special to me like those roses
that I dried, the first ones you gave to me, valentines day
i didn't expect anything from you that day
forgive me if each of your words taste like honey to me
the sounds of your voice sweet like heaven to me
i crave listening to your heart beat
playing with your size 14 feet
falling asleep on your chest, in your arms, in our world
babe i need to hear you say it one more time
before I go to sleep
maybe you didn't realize it was this deep
for me to hear you say it the way I wanna hear it said
wanna climb into your bed
or have you sing to me
even if you forget the words
see you dance for me
take me outta here, into your world
you can't just give it to me once
and not expect me to become a fiend
of those precious timeless words that
you show me how much i mean
to you in the most special way
i don't care what time of day
just say to me
what you know I love to hear
anything from the heart

the things I treasure...moments I hold dear ;)

I rhymed..ha ha

When I grow up....

I told myself today, YOU ARE AN ADULT

and I think I mean every word that I say

only its hard to fathom

because I'm stuck somewhere between

buying a house and

playing make believe.

I keep having dreams of my future sons

and how much hair my daughter's going to have

but then I remembered how I stayed up till 2am last night

watching episodes of Baldwin Hills

and That's So Raven.

Oh, how I laughed with my boyfriend

about how silly each character was

And during the afternoon, this past Sunday

I went to Six Flags on my season's pass.

I bought it because I knew I would go more than 1 time

and get my money's worth.

I'M AN ADULT, I told myself today

but I can't wait to get home and play in the Wii

and battle my roommates in a tennis tournament.

Yeah, I have roommates...so what - what's wrong with that??

my rent costs less than some people's car payments

so - don't judge me, lol..

And I went out to the dancing with my girls the other night

and watched the newest Batman movie

then I played hand clap games on the National Harbor

remembering "how to get the rhythm of the HOOOOOT DOG"

singing "down, down baby, down by the roller coaster"

WOW how long ago was that?

Not too long ago, I think to myself.

Today, I said - GIRL YOU ARE AN ADULT - as I looked in the mirror.

I pulled some curls towards my face.

put on some make-up, brushed my teeth.

put on a black skirt, fitted white top, black peep toes and gray shell earrings

grabbed my company laptop, and a bowl of fruit.

got on the elevator, hopping in my mazda6.

sped down 495

...10 minutes late.

Yep...I'm an adult :)

that's what I told myself...today, as I logged onto my computer - pulled up Solitaire and got

ready

to

play